Category Archives: General Uni Banter

RAE results are in, I am now actively seeking employment

The P45 given to me this morning

Owing to what can only be described as a ‘major administrative error’, my department has slipped by over 30 places in the UK’s research rankings.

Even despite all of my RAE TACTICS described in my previous post, it appears there have been some serious failures that I can only put down to poor administration of the RAE in my institution.

In a sharp phonecall at 2.35am this morning, my beloved Pro-Vice Chancellor advised me that ‘Maybe it is time you moved on’. She also said that she would write me a glowing reference.

Upon further investigation, it appears that there were some serious errors carried out by the student that we hired to manage, implement and write the RAE strategy and submission for my department. Despite the fact that I paid him £6.22 per hour, which in my opinion is well above the going rate, the student had failed to submit the best of our research. Instead he went for the work where, in his words, ‘the words were easier to spell’.

Anyway, as a result of this incompetence of the student, I am now actively seeking employment. Even more disappointing is that I have been informed that I will not be receiving my £20 Marks and Spencer Christmas bonus, which i was going to spend on my gran. She is the real loser in all of this, I hope you are happy student!

Are standards really dropping?

my GCSE mock exam

“Degrees aren’t worth what they used to be?”. I hear you cry…

You have to question all the palaver about lowering standards in universities in the UK. I for one disagree strongly that this is the case.

Nearly all my students in the last academic year graduated with a First or a high 2:1. I haven’t failed anyone in the past 11 years due to exceptional ‘departmental regulations’. I take this as conclusive evidence that, if anything, standards are going up.

I recently took a mock GCSE paper on my subject area and only just managed to scrape a D, even though I passed the O-Level with a top grade nearly thirty years ago. Ironically, I’m the one lecturing these clever scamps, how embarassed I feel. Luckily I have a doctorate that I gained when standards weren’t so sky high.

So my praise goes out to all our bright young minds who will be a great asset to our knowledge economy in the years to come. They are clearly going to be the greatest generation of consumer nourishment managers (burger flippers) and stock replenishment executives (shelf stackers) that our nation has ever had.

And the Award goes to Poppleton University…

 

The greatest University ever

The more I think about it, the more I realise that the fake university in the Times Higher Education Supplement is actually more real than we think. Poppleton University recently celebrated its 30th Birthday and congratulations to it.

With their constant harassment of the Corporate Affairs Department, and the constant bickering and crap ideas coming from the senior management team, it couldn’t be a more realistic account of life in a University today. So here’s a link above to some of the tittering that i have to put up with in my everyday life.

I was surprised not to see them win any gongs in this years Times Higher Education Awards, especially as the THE publishes their newsletter. I have no doubt that they are the most creative, innovating, resourceful and professional university on the planet. So thank you Poppleton, and if there are any dons jobs going please keep me in the loop. My CV is updated as ever.

My reason for starting the angry professor blog

There’s a number of things that make me excited about higher education in the UK. I think it has the potential to do a lot of things including creating prospects for the young and old, contributing to the economy, contributing to our wider understanding of things in the world, helping to overcome social and scientific problems in society and beyond

Unfortunately, i believe, it does very little of this. Yes, it makes sure our leaders produce offspring that will be the leaders of tomorrow, it continues to contribute to social immobility by cutting off the poorest and it wastes a hell of a lot of taxpayers money in the process. Coupled with the fact that our students are more like customers than ever this has made me become quite angry about what I actually do and this isn’t healthy for anyone.

As I write this I am taking a day off sick from the stress of it all. As academic freedom no longer enables me to voice these concerns and opinions among my own institution, i’ve decided to do this publicly here for all to see. I am recording my angry moments here as a therapy to myself to hopefully make me feel better about all this.